fuck, I want to be depressed. I hate being alone and able to go online and stalk people I shouldn’t, and think about things that I shouldn’t without a distraction or voice of reason to talk me out of it. I have that sick feeling in my gut, the kind you get when you see something that makes your heart break, but you feel like you’re going to vomit instead because it can’t be real, and this can’t be real. I hate this I hate the way that I feel right now. Half of me knows that I should focus on getting better and being myself and finding myself, if not for me then to show everyone else that I don’t need them, that I don’t need him, but the other half wants to fall into a deep depression that I won’t escape, because it means that I need him, and I am so jealous and suspicious of everyone in his life, I keep stalking and praying that every girl who he is friends with isn’t one who he’s interested in, because he can’t be over me, I need him to need me, and he just doesn’t and this is breaking my heart. I know that we need to be apart, but I don’t want him to be with other people or think anyone else is pretty or love them or touch them the way that he used to touch me. How is this fucking real, after everything we’ve been through?