Doubled my anti-depressants to counteract the depressive effects that my birth control (which I have to be on for polycystic), and now I’m essentially “normal”. My purging has definitely gotten SO MUCH better.. although my tonsillitis may play a small part in that, given that I can’t purge.. or eat many solid foods to feel bad about anyway. I’m finally not sad about not being with a guy, or feeling like I NEED someone to make me legit or respectable or safe (J broke up with me last week, too). But I kind of miss depressive me. I feel like I’m lacking a certain part of my emotions by being this way. I guess since I’ve always been so used to needing someone else to validate my self worth, that not needing a guy is just weird. I’m not used to it, and I sort of miss the normalcy of who I used to be. I know without a doubt that I would have serious depressive episodes if I wasn’t on the medication, but a percentage of me wants to be that way again. Is that wrong? Is it bad? As much as I know that I need to be single and find myself right now, a part of me wants to need someone so badly that I can’t be alone. It’s so wrong, but it’s been a necessity in my life for so long that I’m confused. Maybe I don’t want to be normal.