September 2010
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fuck, I want to be depressed. I hate being alone and able to go online and stalk people I shouldn’t, and think about things that I shouldn’t without a distraction or voice of reason to talk me out of it. I have that sick feeling in my gut, the kind you get when you see something that makes your heart break, but you feel like you’re going to vomit instead because it can’t be...
Doubled my anti-depressants to counteract the depressive effects that my birth control (which I have to be on for polycystic), and now I’m essentially “normal”. My purging has definitely gotten SO MUCH better.. although my tonsillitis may play a small part in that, given that I can’t purge.. or eat many solid foods to feel bad about anyway. I’m finally not sad about...
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I just met with my counselor here at school (a new one who kind of sucks and with whom I’m not too happy) and, she made it painfully clear that an active bulimic should not be heavily exercising. Thus my 3 mile a day runs cannot happen or I might die because of the electrolyte imbalances and the stress on my heart. She wants me to take it easy and go to a bunch more doctors/nutritionists...
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I’m so torn about J. I feel like we just don’t have very much in common anymore. Being away from him for an extended period of time makes me want to call him and talk, and be happy, but when I actually do, there is just nothing to say. It gets boring and mildly awkward and we sort of just sit there in silence until one of us says “okay, I’ll talk to you later, bye”....
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